he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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