once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
