my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
even my farts smell like vagina
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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