so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
