my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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