I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
