She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
