so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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