did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
