I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
