you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
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