Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You pole danced in your parka.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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