THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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