jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
