I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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