I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
