Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
How external is "for external use only"?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
