my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
