Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
