I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
