Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
