1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
