last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
