I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize