How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
