dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
