I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
