I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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