I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
