I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
