PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
