Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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