Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
