Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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