My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
