look no pants
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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