So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
