I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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