God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
