I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize