Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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