First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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