you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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