You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
