I faked an abortion last night.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
