the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
