I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
