I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize