ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
