My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
