apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
