tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
