Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
