You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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