I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
