Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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