in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
