watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
